yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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