some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
