i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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