Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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