college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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