oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just want to make out with him forever
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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