I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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