I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
