I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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