he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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