No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
