I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I die, sorry about rent.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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