If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
