that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Drake has all the answers
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
