the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
