Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
