Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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