im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
