Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
