this beer tastes like vomit already
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
