Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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