You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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