BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize