now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do vagina's smell?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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