apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You ate ashes out of my bong
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
