I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
