what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
