I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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