I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
