My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
