I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
