So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
