Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
