Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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