The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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