you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
