Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
