He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
