Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
one might say we're banned from that church
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
