I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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