i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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