I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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