she woke up with a sticky ear
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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