Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
