one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
