dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
