I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
this just has baby written all over it
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
