im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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