I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
