Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
