"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
