I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
