you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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