Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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