I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
