Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
