last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
foreskin is a definite game changer
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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