so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i think i have two assholes
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
