1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
wanna go halves on a baby?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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