Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
