I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
