im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize